Things You Were Going To Ask Me If You Ever Got Around To It

Have you ever sat on a frigid mountain top to look for aliens?


Funny you should ask.

In a previous post I talked about Larry, the linguist that I was stationed in Newfoundland with when I was in the Navy. The fact is we were both a fish out of water trying to do our Navy thing. We had many methods of coping, many of which were definitely non Navy-like – such as when I tried to hit on a nun at an orphanage or working it so we would get snow stranded at a cabin in the wild so we had an excuse not to be at work. But these are other stories.

Every Saturday night Larry and I would present ourselves at what was inelegantly called the Newf Club – a restaurant club run by the locals on base. We would sit across from each other and carefully eat our steaks while arguing. We were good at arguing. No matter what the subject we could easily find ourselves defending apposing viewpoints. Now we didn’t discuss such mundane subjects as girls and sex – maybe we did a little – but we devoted our meals to intellectual arguments. We would argue passionately about evolution, is evil a force or simply a concept, Ayn Rand, or the place of religion in society. We even figured out the place we would secretly meet when nuclear missiles rained down on our country. Right now I can’t remember where it was.

Did I mention that we always had wine with our steaks? We would find that our discussions became deliciously more passionate as we would get about halfway through the second bottle.

One evening the topic of discussion was about UFO’s and Aliens Visiting Earth. At first we both considered the subject a bit silly, but as we explored and sipped we convinced ourselves that it was indeed conceivable. In fact after about an hour of sipping and talking we began to conclude that the concept was not only conceivable but probable. So naturally the discussion turned to the heart of the matter.

If aliens were visiting Earth, where would they land? If one were to meet an alien what would one say?

The second question required investigation. As we finished up the second bottle we began to realize how critical it was to say just the right thing to a new found alien. After all, it would be important that the aliens understood that humans were honorable and a vital force in the cosmos. So we began to hone the perfect acceptance speech that a representative of the human species would present to a being from another planet – a speech that would leave that alien in awe and humbled at the magnificence of humans.

Once we had this down pat, the question became: “ If there were anywhere on Earth that an alien would land, where would it be?”

Larry and I held our wine glasses to our lips and looked each other in the eye.

Of course! We were in Newfoundland – a country with only one highway – a country of hamlets that one could reach only by boat – a barren rocky, mountainous wilderness that had a population less than significant cities in the U.S. A stark, lonely place – a place perfect for aliens!

We were awestruck in our realization.


We immediately arose and hurried in a not too straight a line to the car. The aliens would come here. We would represent mankind. We had our welcoming speech prepared. Now all we had to do was find them.


We quickly plotted. The mountain. That’s where they had to be.

We drove off the base and found that winding dirt road up the mountain. We traveled for three hours trying to contain our excitement and rehearsing our speech and stopping more than once to pee. We finally made it to the top and pulled our parkas tight as we walked – in not too straight a line – to the highest boulder on the mountain top and we climbed…and slipped a few times..but always climbed until finally we were on top of the world. And we searched and waited.

So to answer your question: yes, I have sat on a frigid mountaintop searching for aliens.

What? Oh…

I’m sorry. I really can’t talk about it. Just take heart in the realization that aliens from the furthest reaches of the universe have not taken any hostile action against humankind.

It was really a damn good speech.