Friday, August 27, 2010

A Night at the Movies - 2005

I discovered this little movie review that I wrote five years ago. I'm pretty good at movie reviews, don't you think?

Yesterday we received a movie in the mail. It was ‘Ocean’s Twelve’.

You will now find out why it is so much more enjoyable to see a movie at home than in a movie theater.

Around 6:30, we decided to watch it. Since Marilyn was on one couch with the two dogs, I settled down on the other sofa. I don’t know why we have two sofas in our den – it just worked out that way. The movie had some big  stars – like Brad Pitt and George Clooney and Julia Roberts and Catherine Zita Jones.

It was a convoluted story of a robbery and high tech stuff. You really had to pay attention to what was going on.

But thirty minutes into the movie, I had to put it on pause. It was time to feed the dogs. I accused my wife of buying something on Ebay that day, so it was her feed the dogs. You see, in an effort to thwart her Ebaying, I said that I would feed the dogs in the evenings if she didn’t buy anything on Ebay that week. This has caused some problems, because she has purposely not been buying things just to make me go through the drudgery of dog feeding. But – yesterday she ‘only bought something small’ – but that was enough to crucify her. So she had to do it.

But I figured I might as well empty the dishwasher at the same time – that is a routine assignment for me.

Dogs fed and dishes put away, she grabbed a diet Pepsi and I got some iced tea and we settled back down to the movie.

“What happened before we stopped?” she asked.

“We’ll figure it out.”

The movie proceeded. There was something about the ‘Black Fox’ or the ‘Dark Wolf’ or somebody – another thief that was in competition with our thieving heroes.
“I’m hungry.”

“Me too.”

Movie paused. “What do you think about Ravioli?”

We had some frozen Ravioli in the freezer. I dumped it into boiling water while Marilyn picked up dog toys hiding all over the house. While we had some spaghetti sauce, we didn’t have any mozzarella cheese – but had a little bit of packaged grated cheddar cheese, and there was a block of some kind of white cheese that I sliced into little slices and finished it off with a couple of slices of American cheese. It didn’t exactly melt to a gooey stage. So after filling our two bowls with the ravioli, I zapped them into the microwave to get the cheeses good and melted.
Back to the movie. My wife said, “This ravioli is sort of interesting.”
“Thank you.”

The movie continued. I was a little lost – they kept having flashbacks that confused me – and I forgot what happened before dinner was prepared. But my confusion was overcome by my admiration of Catherine Zeta Jones.
I think my wife read my mind, for she said, “If I could look like anyone else, I would want to look like her.”

Now a smart husband has to say something. “Well, I’m glad that you are not. If you looked like her, you would be fooling around with highfalutin people and be rich and bored rather than here happy and pleased with me.” I'm not sure that was the right thing to say.
The movie was playing. I think I heard a “Hurrmmph!”

“Well, who would you want to be?” she asked.

George Clooney and some of his cavalier band were being put in jail. Why were they being put in jail? I missed something here.

“Sean Connery. Although a bit younger, I think.”

“Good choice.”

The character that Julia Roberts played had been cajoled into playing like she was Julia Roberts as they entered the museum that had the green egg they were going to steal. It is too confusing to explain.
Hutch, our lab, came up with an old sock hanging from his mouth. It was clear that he was discouraged with this movie crap and wanted to play. He first came to me, and I ignored him. So he went to my wife. Guilty conscious stabbed at us – we had ignored the dogs all night. They are good and patient animals and they don’t ask for much – and they just needed a little attention.
So I paused the movie, and both of us sprang from our respective sofa’s screaming, “I’m gonna’ get it!” Hutch took off running around the house with both of us chasing screaming, “I’m gonna’ get it!”

Hutch darted and twisted and dashed avoiding our chase. You will note that old wise people do not chase dogs – only youthful virile people do that!

Soon Buddy, our other dog got into the act – and started chasing Hutch. We knew we could then sit back down and the dogs would entertain themselves.
I turned the movie back on, but I had to turn the sound a little higher to cover the noise of the dogs barking and growling as they fought over the old sock.
 “Damn this is a long movie!” I remarked at 9:15.

Our heroes got the green egg and won the contest – I’m a little confused what the contest was about. The movie ended.

My main criticism was that the movie seemed to bounce all over the place and it seemed like we missed key parts. Maybe it was because George, my stepson, returned my phone call and we set up a dinner engagement to celebrate his birthday….but that is another story. Or maybe I missed a key part when I left to go to the bathroom.
See – how much better it is to watch movies at home.

“This was a confusing movie.”

“Yea, they need to make movies with a more straight forward story line so it's easier to it.”


  1. I wanna come over and watch movies at your house. Or you could come over here and watch with us. You'd feel right at home. It's a rare movie which doesn't benefit from bathroom and dishwasher emptying and dog playing breaks.

    I'm not sure whether that speaks more to my attention span or to the quality of the movies I'm watching. In any event, I agree with you. You do write good movie reviews!

  2. Excellent review, Jerry. I couldn't understand that movie either. Or was that Ocean's 11? And where was Frank Sinatra and those other guys?

  3. Jerry that was perfect! And that is the problem with the Pause button. You (and by that, I mean ME) put the movie on Pause and your (I mean MY) brain goes to Delete.....

  4. We haven't done that in so long I've forgotten how to work the VCR. Wait--it's DVD player now, isn't it.


  5. hilarious!

    I typically know the dialogue of movies before I ever actually see them ... the kids watch movies in the car on road trips. I have heard Sherlock Holmes a number of time but have yet to lay eyes on the handsome RDJ.

  6. Speaking of Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sean and the wife ought to watch "Entrapment" next. Then you'll see how well you both work together on-screen.

  7. Excellent review, by the way. And a hilarious story in front of it. Interesting ravioli.

  8. Oh my God. You are the BEST movie reviewer....EVER. I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one who pauses a movie 157 times. To me, that little button with the little lines on the remote was put there for a reason.

    And you two chasing the dogs around? Freakin' priceless.

    "I'M GONNA GET IT!!!"

  9. I like your movie and "evening at home" review all at once. I do not think you liked the movie that well as it it did not keep your rapt attention. If the dogs, dishwasher, dinner etc. can distract one from a movie with George Clooney (a personal favorite of mine) then it must not be that good. I too saw this movie and was not impressed. But unlike you, I saw it in the theaters and was unable to become "distracted" by outside forces! Hope your next movie viewing experience is better.

  10. "the movie seemed to bounce all over the place" and so did yall!! LOL!!

    It never fails when hubby and I get settled down to watch something together, a two hour movie turns into a four hour movie!

    Great review!!

  11. Jerry I have been trying out my psychic powers lately and I see new remote batteries in your not so distant future. Pause is a great feature. Since the dawning of DVR TV, I whine when I go somewhere without it. Take a whiz...miss something. How cool would it be if we could DVR our lives? "Oh crap, I just ran that stoplight! Pause...Rewind...Do Over!" Hmm, life mulligans...

  12. Sounds like a movie with Mo. Although usually it's potty breaks, the phone and snacks that disturb the smooth progression of a movie.

  13. That's the way television is for me now, the ads are soooo long that I get bored and start surfing channels. Of course, there are so many ads the probability that my channel changing will come on to an ad is just as likely. So I surf some more... then I completely forget what I was watching in the first place.

    I like the computer - it goes at my pace and shares my attention span.

  14. Great movie review, and the scenerio sounds much like our house - except instead of ravioli it would be nachos! Our dogs can come up with a dozen excuses to interrupt our movie or tv viewing- play break, potty break, sibling rivalry break, where's my nylon bone break, I was in her lap first break...

  15. Was totally enjoying the review, especially with your 4 legged fitness trainers and cracked up at--
    "Damn this is a long movie!” I remarked at 9:15."
    Thanks for stopping by TNS and introducing your self. Will be back.

  16. I know why we go OUT to the movies! We never eat anything in the living room without Izzy staring at us in her most patient, sad-eyed, starving dog stance. As usual, thanks for the good, long laugh!

  17. Hello Jerry, great post! I recognize all of it, this is how movie watching proceeds in many homes I believe. One more thing that is good when a movie is watched in the comfort of one's living room; one gets to see the credits role in peace.;)
    Thank you so much for your recent visit and your very kind and substantial comments; I love to have visitors that really *read* what I write.;)
    I enjoyed my stay here as well and will be back.;)

  18. What you describe is exactly what my hubby and I like about watching movies at home, we can pause when we want to get something to eat or go to the bathroom. We are in our 60s and it does seem that we need to go to the bathroom more often these days. Love that pause thingy on the remote thingy.

  19. Thank you for reviewing this movie. I wish I had read your review prior to enduring the movie myself, which I found somewhat painful. Ebert's reviews never contain ravioli or dogs or conversations with his wife; I find your style far more relatable. How about making movie reviews a regular feature, hmm? :)

  20. Oh Gerry! Thank you so much for the laugh today! It sounds alot like movie watching at our house. But add to it my husband's office phone ringing at least twice and him getting up to answer. Sometimes I fall asleep waiting on him to come


  21. Jerry...have you heard anything about Penny from Penny's Word? I sent an email and have not heard anything. Her blog has been deleted. I am heart sick. She is such a gentle, kind, wonderful woman. I hope nothing has happened to her...

  22. Yup, I'm with you, pausing is the best, so what if it takes me five hours to watch an hour and a half movie. I never miss a thing...

  23. Hi Jerry... Today I received an email from Penny's husband. Tragically, she died 8-26-10 of a cerebral hemmorrhage. Her funeral was Sept. 1. I wrote about her on both my blogs, 9-1-10. Thank you for sharing what you knew...which is what I had known as well, until today. What a loss. She will be missed.

  24. Great story Jerry!
    Lot's of good stuff in there, but my favorite line was,
    My wife said, “This ravioli is sort of interesting.”
    To me the only advantage of watching movies at home is that it's MUCH cheaper!