Monday, January 3, 2011


Why am I here?

What do you mean?

I think you chickened out -- you are taking the easy way. Instead of sitting down writing your own little essay -- putting the effort in. You figured that it would be easier to answer questions.

That's absur...

And you don't even ask for questions from others. You will ask yourself questions that you know you can answer. You realize that is an insult to the reader, don't you? Others would ask the hard questions, the questions that would make you squirm. Don't you think you should apologize?

This is not working out like...

What a wimp. I am asking you questions now, and you are sitting there contemplating starting this essay over because you can't answer your own questions. What is it with you?

Well, you know, I thought we could work in partnership like Roy Rogers and Trigger, or Einstein and, uh, Mrs. Einstein. I thought that we could work together to...

Einstein and Mrs. Einstein?

I'm sure that she told him every morning, "You can't go out in public with your hair looking like that."

We saw how well that worked.

Okay -- I'll feed you something simple. What -- God this is boring -- are your New Year resolutions?

I don't have any for this year. I was waiting for 2012.

I see -- you are now feeding me questions. Why wait (and I apologize to the reader) for 2012?

Because the world is supposed to end in December, 2012 and I figure that would be a good time to make some really good resolutions and actually keep them so I would die, you know, like fulfilled. I would have plenty of time -- all the way to December.



Hello? Are you there?

That is so -- so stupid on so many levels I don't know how to respond.

But I have an ace up my sleeve.


You see. The world really isn't going to end so I will have become a better person without really having to die.

Why did you drag me in here?

To ask questions, and as you can see, I'm doing a really good job of answering them.

What should I ask you now?

You could ask me why the world isn't going to end in December of 2012.

If that is what you wanted to write about, why didn't you just write about it? Okay, why aren't we going to whatever it is in 2012?

Well, I didn't write about it because I just thought of it. I know I could start over but I've already put effort in this and now you are asking really good questions, so...

The Amazing Non-Perpetual Mayan Calendar
First of all there are the Mayans. Everyone wants them to be cool and mystical because they have observatories to look at sky things and make really good walls and build nifty pyramids and we just want someone somewhere to be ethereal and wise beyond the ages. The fact that they tended to whack peoples heads off and offer blood sacrifices is sort of shrugged off. They were amazing architects but made lousy calendars that everyone thinks are amazing because we want them to be amazing but the fact is they didn't know how to make a perpetual calendar like we have today. There calendars tended to run out of time so they had to make a new calendar every so often. The last calendar they made, and it was the last one because they couldn't keep their civilization going and it collapsed, runs out on December 12, 2012. 12-12-12...oooh. So it is obvious that the world ends on that date.



Boring, and not very scientific. I know, don't say it -- you don't want to confuse people with science. Oh, what now? Huh? You want me to ask about planetary or stellar conjunctions?

Things Aligned in the Sky
Amazing question. Planets or stars are always lined up somewhere. It would be simple, astronomically and trigonometrically speaking, to pick a couple of planets or stars and see where they line up to -- say Venus or Pluto or Alpha Centuri and see if they are blowing up. The same with three heavenly bodies. I think it is kind of a silly notion.

I don't think trigonometrically is a word. Anyway, I'm betting on the wandering giant comet, or is it a planet, that is heading our way and is going to smash us to smithereens.

Why would it hit us in December of 2012? Because the Mayan calendar ends?

It is unfair to ask an astronomer to prove a negative.

"Prove that a massive body is not heading our way and going to crash into us?"

"Well, I don't see nuthin' out there."

"See I told you. That proves there is a government conspiracy covering the whole thing up."

Can we stop now?

I'm just getting started.

I invite your readership -- the last I counted it was four people -- to ask a question...

You can't do that? 

...and see if they can get a straight forward answer. I'm getting a headache. So put your thinking caps on and throw those hard hitting questions at Jerry.

Wait a minute. Okay....I'll pick three to answer.

Like I told you. A wimp!



  1. Okay, here's a question...Does your wife find these soliloquies, monologues, pseudo-dialogues--or whatever they are--the least bit alarming? :)

  2. I he was talking to God...don't interrupt! I loved how you went from the beginning to the END!

  3. Should have had *think* between the first and second words.......geesh......

  4. If a turtle loses it's shell, is it homeless or naked?

    chew on this one while I'm thinking...

  5. I guess it seems trivial, but how much wood could a woodchuck chuck? Oh, wait, they answered that on that insurance commercial. Never mind.

  6. ok, my quesion,, what the hell was in that bottle? lololol

  7. What's the matter with kids today?

  8. Wait - what? You want us to ask you questions? After all that information you just gave me to ponder? Hmmm, I'll think on it and get back to you.

  9. If the world is ending in 2012, can we max out our credit cards in November?

  10. What are the top three things on your bucket list? :) Loved this by the way, I always get a good chuckle from you :)

  11. You crack me up! Plain and simple. Wait - never plain and never simple. Scratch that. Make that clever and hilarious!

  12. A train leaves a station westbound traveling at a velocity of 45 mph. 35 minutes later another train leaves a station 1,200 miles away traveling eastbound at 62 mph.

    The conductor of the first train notices that the telegraph poles along the track pass by his moving window every 1.2 seconds. The poles are spaced 122 feet apart. The engineer on the second train notices cars passing him on the highway paralleling the tracks at a rate of 3 mph.

    Using these figures, calculate the probability that the Engineer is married to the Conductor's cousin. Show your work.

  13. Very entertaining.;) For some reason the humankind likes stories of the end of the world. The mysterious and unknown, the fierce future that will wipe us out us all at once, just like it did with the dinosaurs in the past.;)
    I like to believe in one of the scenarios that was proposed by the optimists; the world will not end in 2012 - only the world as we know it will, thus this means a transitions, a time of new beginning, of fresh start.;) After all, if i am not mistaken, we are about to enter the Age Of The Aquarius.;)
    Happy New Year dear Jerry, may it be a great one with or without resolutions.;)
    And thank you so much for all the wonderful words at my place.;)

  14. If you were a nail polish, what would you name yourself?

    And trigowhachamacallit is not a word, but I like it. I like to make up words myself.

    Thank you for all of your answers, but I think I'm now even more confused than before which doesn't say much since I'm a natural blonde.

  15. When does Jupiter ever not align with Mars?

    And: if you had the power to give your wife any kind of tail, what kind of tail would it be?

  16. Do you ever just get pukey sick of blogging and wish you didn't feel so responsible for producing yet another post? And what do you do when that happens?

  17. Okay, so how often does this "other Jerry" get out? Hmmmmm?? Is his name Jer-amaiah, or something? (I do believe I've spelled that incorrectly but I'm too lazy to look up the spelling of Jeramaiah. Oh, look. I've done it again.)
    ANYWAY. I want to know why MRS. Einstein didn't buy MR. Einstein some hair gel. Ya know, like...for Christmas or something? A little dab'll do ya, right?
    As for your wise 'splanation of how the world is NOT going to end...I loved it, Lucy. It made perfect sense to me.
    I've miss you, Jerry! Every time I tried to stop by, some stupid planet got in my way. Can you look into that?

  18. What came first- the chicken or the egg?