Saturday, September 17, 2011

A Lunaristic Scientific Dissertation

What are you doing so early this morning?


Researching what?

Metrical stuff. You know, that is how Canadians and other foreigners measure things. I don't know why they have to complicate something so simple and straight forward.

Metrical? You mean metrics?

I had to figure out what a centimeter was. Why don't they use inches? If it was good enough for George Washington it is good enough for me.

Why do you need to know about a centimeter?

I'm concerned. Did you know that the moon is moving away from us at a speed of four centimeters per year? That is almost two inches a year.

Well that is pretty slow.

If you back calculate very carefully, you will find that back in dinosauruous times the moon was twelve feet away from earth.  

I'm not sure that is...

That is what killed the dinosaurs, the tall ones anyway. The moon whacked them.

I don't think...

Why do you think we only have shortl dinosaurs today, like crocodiles and lizards? Did you know about this? Why isn't it in our school textbooks?

Maybe your calculations are off.

Scientists know this, but they aren't telling people. It is a conspiracy and that is what concerns me.

Have you had your second cup of coffee yet?

Have you ever seen an eclipse, when the moon sneaks right there in front of the sun?

I believe it is called a solar eclipse.

Don't try to bury the obvious in scientific mumbo jumbo. Have you noticed that when the sun and moon line right up in a eclipse, the moon exactly blots out the sun? Doesn't that concern you?

Uh no. Why should it?

Haven't you been paying attention? The moon is moving away from us at four centimeters a year. How come it just so happens that the moon is at the precise point to blot out the sun right now? If the moon was closer to the earth, you would see no hint of the sun at all on during one of those eclipse things. You couldn't see the suns vapors around the edge of the moon. If it were further away from us, then you would see a whole lot of sun around the edges of the moon.

Doesn't that concern you?

I don't understand.

Right now the sun and moon fit perfectly. Why now? Think about it. The sun is a whole lot bigger than the moon, but the geometric fit just happens to be perfect. Now.

I don't know. Coincidence I guess.

Haven't you ever watched detective shows? What is the one line you always hear? "There are no such things as coincidences!" If we were here a million years ago, the moon would have been 4,000,000 centimeters closer. If we were here a million years later, the moon would have been 4,000,000 centimeters further away. That's a lot of centimeters.

But isn't that only twelve...

So why is it that at this particular time the moon isn't too far away or too close? Huh? Why right at this precise moment? Science won't tell you. They are afraid to.

But you know the reason?


Uh huh.

I dreamed about it last night.

That isn't the type of thing most people dream of.

We saw a movie last night. The movie was stupid. So stupid that we couldn't stop watching. Actually it was designed to be stupid so that you would laugh, and we did.

Is this some sort of bizarre lead-in to a movie review?

The movie is "Paul" and I wouldn't recommend it for those easily offended by salty language. But if you have the tiniest science fiction bone in your body, you will laugh.

What is it about?

"Paul", the alien, is trying to get back home.

Uh, we saw that in ET.

You will learn that Paul consulted with Stephen Spielberg on the writing of ET. You will also learn that Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, two science fiction geeks with a RV, is helping Paul get back home. You will also learn that every science fiction movie you have ever seen is pretty much true.

And this caused you to dream about the moving moon?

About aliens. And the moon's strange behavior. It can't be a coincidence. There are no such things as coincidences!


  1. Ah, the famous "no such thing as coincidences" line.

    "Yes, Detective. I just happened to have this loaded revolver in my sport coat, and the caliber just happens to match the round found in the deceased, but it's all just a BIG coincidence." :D

    But you're right: it is strange about the symmetry between the sun and the moon. I've often wondered about that.

    Have a great weekend!

  2. LOL. No, really. I laughed out loud. "Twelve feet away."

    Next, you can study the Bible and determine just when it was all made and when the end shall be. Then announce it and be famous.

    Hmmm. Better stick with the aliens.

  3. Well centimetres lead to kilometres and all that's been around for centuries beginning with France in 1799.. But ALIENS??
    I love your writing style.

  4. Your math seems correct to me.....but then what do I know? I ask the hairdresser to take an 1/2 inch off the bottom and before you know it I have hair up to my ears.

  5. When you start out on one of these 'mono/dialogues', I always feel as if I'm the person in bold black print (the font--not the dress)--you anticipate my every reaction to your 'lunacy'...

  6. You have a rare talent for looking at things without being much influenced by the ways they are typically viewed. Damn conventional wisdom; when was it ever funny?

  7. Millimeters It's millimeters a century!!
    Ha, see what us foreigners and Canadians did there to you American scientists?

    PS my middle name's Paulette. Glad I could help!

  8. Canadians and other civilized societies measure things metrically because we are very concerned with precision. And we like to rearrange the last two letters like this ---> centimetre. Because it looks nice like that, doesn't it?

  9. LOL!! My husband is sitting next to me on his own laptop asking me "What the heck are you giggling at??" Oh Jerry, I have never ONCE regretted becoming one of your avid followers! You crack me up every time! :))

  10. It's a good thing this country keeps Communism at bay by refusing to adopt the Metric System. Besides, it has too many zeros in it.