Thursday, October 27, 2011

Sneezingly Yours

Do not get too close to the leaky parts of your computer. Especially those little holes where the fan is, and those weird looking slots that you put camera SD cards and whatever in. You see, I am sick and I feel so sick that I must be infected, so don't breathe leaky computer air while reading my blog.

I feel so sick that I don't want to do anything. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to read. All I want to do is lay around and moan and complain how sick I am. Marilyn is tired of hearing it, so now I turn to you. I mean, if one moans to no one, is it really a moan. I need moan recipients.

It is called allergies. I learned a few years ago that I am not fit for earth habitation, except for maybe Antarctica. Some vicious little bitch sweet young nurse stuck a zillion pins in my back in a concerted effort to see how much pain I could endure what I am allergic to. I can't remember it all....grass, some trees, mold spores, dust mites, all kinds of pollen, and probably some other stuff. The message was that I shouldn't go outside without a Hazmat suit on.

The second message was that I should take shots every week to build up an immunity. I asked why I wasn't immune to chocolate because I had been taking that all my life and they apparently felt that it wasn't a sincere question because they never answered it. So, dummy old Jerry, signed up for six shots a week every week so that by the time I was on my deathbed I would be immune to everything, except death I guess.

Did I tell you that I hate shots? Did I tell you that taking (let me think....6 times 52 time 2...uh..) 624 shots did not make me immune to my hatred of shots. After my 624th shot, I said screw this. Nothing had changed, except that my fear of needle bearing nurses grew. They said that I would probably have to take the shots five years which is (let me think...6 times 52 times 5...uh,,) 1,560 shots. They wouldn't consider my idea of taking one big shot and get it over with. So I stomped out refusing any more shots. I would show them.

I figure that allergies are a natural phenomena (or is it phenomenon? I get confused.). Life balances out. I get sick so that others will not get sick....they are only so many allergens to go around. But I am not totally altruistic. I also figure that allergies probably help my body in some way that science hasn't figured out yet. Some day you non-allergy people will be jealous to find out that we allergy people have highly developed appendixes or something.

At least it only happens twice a year, in the fall and in spring, which just happens to be the precise time when I want to be outside. Tomorrow I go to the expensive doctor which will give me an expensive prescription. Actually, it is more fun to sit around and complain. 

So thank you for listening to my moaning, and if I have touched your heart, pray for me and send money. I am working on a theory that money will cure it. Those skeptics among you will snort and tell me, "Well then, it must be psychological then." Let's see if you are right. Send money and I will tell you the results.


  1. I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly, Jerry--I guess I have you to thank for my relatively allergy-free good health! Thank you :)

    Seriously though, I live with an allergy sufferer and it's just miserable for him when it acts up. Hope you feel better...

  2. Ragweed. That's probably the culprit. It used to bring my hubby to his knees when we lived there. He'd moan and carry on to the point that I was ready to move him out of the house for the duration.

    I'd send money but I think it would be better if *I* conducted this experiment (since you are so sick and all) to see if it works. So instead I shall ask everyone reading this to direct the money this way instead. You don't need to deal with all just need to recuperate. ;-)

  3. Wait a minute! Send the money to me. I'll use it to go to medical school and become the oldest person ever to pass the bar, or whatever doctors have to do so they can practice medicine. Note that word: practice.

    Anyway, regardless of funds accruing to either you or me, Jerry, enjoy your suffering. As an old(er) friend of mine used to say: it beats the alternative.

  4. Bless you- that's all I've got, Gigi took all my money!

  5. Sorry to hear it. Here's a risk-free approach that seems to work for some folks with seasonal respiratory allergies. Find the closest local beekeeper who sells honey and start taking some daily. The alternate route of exposure to the allergen seems to help in short-circuting the allergic reaction.

  6. Then mix the honey with brandy. Brandy and some lemon juice, maybe. And ice. Drink it until you fall asleep. When you wake up, if you still have symptoms mix up more brandy and drink it until you fall asleep. Repeat until you wake up with nothing worse than a hang-over.

    I once treated a raging sore throat with a case of Steel beer. The cold beer was cool on the throat, and I slept a lot for some reason. I was better in three days, which passed surprisingly quickly.

    Don't treat depression in the same manner. It won't make you feel any better, not really. Plus, waiting for a new liver can be a problem in itself.

    Get well. Whatever is doing you will be done soon. Until next spring.

  7. Those must be some heavy-duty allergies! I'm sorry to hear about your burden.

  8. Oye, my hubby has the same problem every year too! Luckily for him though, Clariton seems to tame down the symptoms quite a bit. I hope you feel better soon! And if I had any money to throw around, I'd certainly give you some lol ;)

  9. Ah yes that rings a bell. Allergies are a huge part of our family's health issues. In fact I had environmental ones in the '80's when they knew very little about them.
    But my apple computer does not have those slot card things.
    It wants to so all the digital sharing over iCloud. Wonder how that will change the air?