Friday, December 16, 2011

Intruder Alert

For a long time I have been praising the acute intelligence of our dogs. Now I hang my head in shame as I am forced to proclaim that they are idiots.

I am talking about Hutch, the black Labrador mix, and Buddy, the ‘I don’t know what he is’. No, I didn’t bless them with those names. My wife declared that the black dog would be henceforth be known as Hutch – for that was a manly, strong name befitting a brave black Lab. (The underlying message there. I think, was that Jerry was not a manly strong name – although I didn’t press the point..) Buddy, which is a cross between a German Shepherd and Beagle and about every other mutt in the world, is quiet, amiable and friendly with everyone – hence he is a ‘Buddy’.

To give you an idea of their personalities – when we go to the Dog Park , Hutch prances around like he owns the place, many times challenging other dogs that are smaller than him. But, if they snarl at him, he quickly backs off.

Buddy, on the other hand, kaplops over to everyone offering to be their friend. Kaplops? Well, when we found Buddy, he had a limp in his left front leg. The doc said there was a calcified bone chip in the leg, and the $1,000 surgery probably wouldn’t help. So we give him baby aspirin and glucosamine. But his little limp doesn’t stop him. He can kaplop pretty darn fast. He is sort of the lovable favorite of everyone.

Late last night Marilyn and I plopped on the couch to watch the news. Hutch snuggled on the couch between us, and Buddy stretched out behind the couch next to the sliding glass doors. Yes, that’s right, we have a sofa against the glass doors. That’s just the way it is – our den furniture can only rearranged so many ways. Anyway, we use another door for access to the outside.

The news was boring and all was calm. Suddenly Buddy, the one behind the couch, started scratching himself, and in so doing was banging his elbow against the glass door. I guess that should have been an indication right there. I mean, if you scratched yourself while banging your elbow on something, wouldn’t you stop or move or something? Not Buddy – he just continued scratching and banging.

Well, with all of this commotion against the glass doors, Hutch jumped up. Clearly someone was trying to break into the house. He jumped off the couch and paced back and forth barking and whimpering. We tried to explain to him that it was just Buddy. He looked at us thinking that we are just stupid humans that can’t hear anything, and clearly someone was breaking into the house and it is his responsibility to protect us.

So he danced around barking and kept running back and forth and finally tore through the doggy door barking up a storm.

Now this started a firestorm with Buddy. As far as he was concerned, Hutch had found an intruder and needed his help to fight him off. So Buddy starts barking and tears off from behind the sofa and he too flies out the doggy door barking insanely.

While they are in the backyard chasing invisible desperadoes, I sat back down and looked at my wife. She looked at me, and we shook our heads in resignation. Clearly we were going to have to withdraw our dog’s names from the Nobel Prize nomination list.

The sequence of events. Buddy made a noise. Hutch thought that noise was an intruder and went to chase him. Buddy also thought there was an intruder because Hutch thought so.


A few minutes later they came back into the house prancing proudly. They looked to us for praise, for they had risked life and limb to protect us from those evil forces that were trying to do us in. We praised them while also pointing out that they were stupid. They didn’t care. They felt good about themselves.

I guess the message here is if you are going to do something stupid, do it proudly.


  1. That made me laugh! I have 2 yellow lab mixes. They stand on our porch (right next to our bedroom window) and bark at intruders.

    They hold down the porch all day sleeping while we're at work. I've come home and seen them. Of course, they jump up the minute they see us drive up.

    I imagine they are just trying to "look busy" while we're home so we think they are actually contributing to society and we'll keep them around!

  2. I laughed long and hard at this having had eejit dogs myself. My current one is brighter than I am and I've caught her rolling her eyes at me more than once.
    thanks for visiting my place!

  3. Clearly, those evildoers will think twice before plotting in your yard again. Nicely done.

  4. I'm not feeling so smart myself this morning. The stuff that grabbed my eye: The news was boring and all was calm? What channel are you watching?! I haven't had any boring, calm news in months.

    That and all the plopping going on. We plop a lot at this age. I just got up and I've already gone kerplop into this recliner, plopped the laptop onto my lap and...perseveration is another problem we have at this age.

    Nice dogs.

  5. Hilarious!

    I used to have a black lab who was dedicated to the proposition that 2 in the morning was the best of all possible times to go outside to relieve himself. He would come wake me up since we didn't have a doggy door. And I would faithfully get up to let him outside -- all the while muttering "Stupid Dog!"

    I don't think it occurred to me which one of us was the much better fit for the word, "stupid". The dog, who always got what he wanted, or me, who always woke up to give him what he wanted.

  6. The couch in front of the door reference made me laugh!

    Hutch was just showing how "vigilant" he is and Buddy was just showing how willing he is to be back up.

  7. Har! Stupid and proudly...I hear ya on that brother! I believe our greyhound has a brain the size of a squishy grape.

    I think that we're on the same wavelength, Jerry. I haven't posted at my blog in over two weeks and today's story is about a dog. Maybe two.

    Thanks for the chuckle, sir. Buddy and Hutch fall into that category of 'doofus, yet lovable'.

  8. Jerry, you are a good observer and a brilliant writer! Thanks. Again.

  9. I can't even begin to tell you all the similar stories about our dogs! They don't protect me, they scare the crap out of me as Cody suddenly starts barking his pretty chocolate head the neighbors' company... pulling into the neighbors' the neighbors! I feel your pain Jerry, I feel your pain lol :)

    P.S. Thank you for your encouragement, I shall dig into my poeting skills real deep this week and will produce something wonderful just in time for Christmas! Talk to you again soon :)

  10. Aww give them a treat from me because even though I knew it was Buddy I would have totally thought Hutch found something to. I guess I need more friends like your dogs.

  11. Thanks for the smile! Have you read "Merle's Door" by Ted Kerasote about his dog Merle? If not I think you would get a kick out of it.

  12. They might not be terribly bright dogs, but they mean well.

  13. Well, I think they (he) were just showing you that they (he) are ever alert. Dogs Rule!

  14. This totally reminds of the Gary Larson cartoon about the scientist that develops a "Dog Translator". Hope this link works.

  15. My grandmother had a dog that was nuts. Every time it caught sight of its tail, it would start growling and then begin attempting to catch it. I always thought she should have been named Tornado.

  16. Well now I'm glad they feel the need to protect you even if they use fakes. Those are the trial runs so that they'll be ready should the actual event come. Training leads to good outcomes.
    Happy Holidays.

  17. Hee hee hee. Do they know Dot the Lab?

  18. I guess the message here is if you are going to do something stupid, do it proudly....

    Amen to that! It's a brilliant motto, that I plan to stick to!

  19. Sorta makes you think of Homeland Security, don't it?

  20. I also get your pain when my mom and I are doing something and a car goes by our little chihuahua mixed with terrier barks his little head off and we have to yell at him i feel bad but still he won't shush! p.s. this is Tryniti :-)