Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Clasp

It happens every time we go out to someplace requiring dress a bit above casual. On these occasions our marriage is put to the test. You can ask all of the psychologists and marriage counselors in the world and they will all say the same thing. They always look important and knowledgeable when they discuss the supposed stresses of marriage – lack of communication, infidelity, lack of striving to make it work, and money worries. And most of the time they get it wrong.

Your marriage is put on the line when the wife calmly asks the clueless husband this question:

“Honey, would you fasten this necklace for me?”

She then holds up that dainty string of gold or silver – with the thickness of two atoms – and turns her back to you. It’s downhill from there.

In the typical marriage, the typical ensuing conversation typically goes like this.

He: “Let’s see – I gotta’ connect this end to this hooky end.”

She: “That’s the idea.”

He: “I don’t see a hooky thing?”

She: “Do you have your glasses on?”

He: “I don’t need glasses, I need an electron microscope.”

She: “There is a round thing with a knobby thing that you pull back.”

He: “A knobby thing?”

She: “And then it slips into the other end and you release the knobby thing.”

He: “The knobby thing?”

She: “Come on!”

He: “I think it’s broken. I don’t see a knobby thing.”

She: “Look, it’s not that hard. See the round circle on the end?”

He: “Round circle?”

She finally jerks away from him and hold up the necklace two inches from his face.

“See,” she snarls, “this is the round thing. See the little knob on top of the circle – pull back on it. Then just slip it into this and release the knob. Simple. See!”

She again turns her back to him and gives him the necklace which he delicately drapes around her neck.

He: “Circle. Knobby thing.”

She stands there silently thinking of who she could have married. 'Jason was pretty weird but I bet he could clasp a stupid necklace'.

He:...struggles for three minutes. “Okay, I just pull this back and…well hell, where is the thing I slip it into?”

She: 'Mark was so full of himself, but he could do anything – including clasping a necklace, I bet'.

He: “This isn’t like that other necklace. It had a flat thing that popped through that big ring and then you just snapped it shut. Except it wouldn’t snap shut, remember?”

She: 'Why is he such a dork? It’s a stupid frigging clasp'!

He: “It won’t fit through the circle thing.”

She: “For the twentieth time, just pull back the little knob and it opens up the circle and slip it through the other end.”

He: “I got the knobby thing down pat. But it won’t slip through the other end. It’s too damn tiny. Why in the hell don’t they make clasps bigger? And they should be standardized. Everyone is different and needs an instruction manual.”

She: 'Rubin. I should have gone with Rubin. He was such a romantic. He would gently put on the necklace kissing my neck as he seductively hinged it together…and then his arms would wrap around me and…'

He: “I got it. No – wait! It keeps slipping out of that other end. Damn! The whole thing just slipped out of my fingers. Hold on…now I just pull back on this stupid shit thing and curl it right through….in there…right there…crap! Go in there you idiot! Wait – got it…then, lets see…okay, now I’ll let go of this. There! I did it!”

She turns and looks at him. 'Definitely Rubin'.

Now there is hope for all marriages – and this is something every marriage counselor should have in their desk.

Yesterday my wife presented me with one of her necklaces with a new fangled clasp on it.

She: “I got three of these on Ebay. They are magnetic clasps and attach to any necklace. Here take it and look at it.”

I sat on the couch and held each end of the necklace in each hand.

She: “Now on one end is a little shaft. The other end has a hole. Just move the shaft towards the hole and it all jerks together because it is magnetized. You get it in the hole every time – no more missing the hole. You don’t want to miss the hole do you?”

I wasn’t exactly sure what she was implying something, so I wisely kept my mouth shut.

I brought the two ends of the clasp together. When they almost touched, the little shaft jerked right into the hole, like magic. It was indeed magnetized – in fact, a no-brainer.

“Now just twist that that serrated thing and it makes it tight.”

I did it.

Our marriage is saved.

In spite of Rubin.


  1. Oh, God...this was hilarious....

    First, I thought you were gonna say that SHE said to HIM, "Are you going to wear THAT?"

    Then I thought for SURE that he'd drop the necklace into her bosom somewhere along the way.

    You poor thang! I'd no idea it was so difficult for big man-fingers to maneuver that teeny lock-clasp-thingie.

    Now, me? I just turn it around and put it on backwards!

    Great post!

  2. I'd like to second Kathryn's motion. The dialog here is fantastic. This is almost too true to be funny, though...

  3. Nice. And such a relief. What was that E-bay website again?

    Nice post.

  4. This is just too funny, Jerry! I could use that magnetic thing myself now that I've entered old age and my fingers aren't as nimble! What is it called? I think it could really be helpful to put on a bracelet, which is impossible to do with one hand. At least for me!

  5. Good thing I don't have any expensive jewelry that necessitates clasping!

    If I ever get married, I think I'll be safe.

    However, I would venture to guess that the gender roles would be reversed with the conundrum of formal ties. I can't fashion a perfect Windsor knot to save my life. I may be doomed to a life of solitude.

  6. Jerry--I liked this one so much, I included it in my Link Love post today. Thanks for putting it up.