Friday, May 20, 2011

The Sands of Time are Gushing Through the Skinny Part of the Hourglass

Where have you been? You haven’t been reading blogs.

Working. Too much working stuff. I thought I was hired to think. No one told me I had to work too.

That’s silly.

I think the average worker actually works 70% of the time, which I think is appropriate. I am working 130% of the time which sort of sucks. People come into my office to have a friendly chat, and I tell them to go away I’m too busy. When people call I answer with, “What do you want?:” I can’t even have hour and a half lunches.


Yeah. Because I work that extra 30% I should be paid double time which makes it 130%.

That makes no sense?

And then I lost last weekend. I had fifteen things that I absolutely had to do in preparation for our vacation this weekend and I couldn’t do a single one. In fact, that is one of the reasons for my 130% productivity is so I can go on vacation.


Last Saturday was supposed to be a simple four hour birthday gathering which involved the zoo and a lunch, and somehow it turned into almost nine hours, and I am still trying to figure that out. My Saturday was lost, but I figured it I worked 200% on Sunday, I could catch up. But somehow another birthday gathering ended up at our house for a four year old and people just kept showing up…we didn’t have anything planned for Sunday – suddenly we have a house full of people. It is very strange – people just assume things, like “Why don’t we have this over Jerry and Marilyn's”. I mean, if they had told us we could have vacuumed the carpet or something.

So none of my absolutely important fifteen things were done. I am taking off work today so I can do them.

You’re right, I haven’t been reading blogs. No time.


We are going to Utah again. I think there is a high probability that I won’t come back. I think I will become a Morman and explore the country and live off the land – someplace where I won’t have to work 130%.

Morman? You just want multiple wives?
You are confused. Mainstream Mormans don’t do the Bevy of Wives thing. That is only a sect which proclaims that they are living according to the original Mormany ideas and I can’t handle one wife anyway, much less a bunch of wives. It also occurs to me that Mormans tend to build a lot of cathedrals and that seems like a lot of work. Maybe I would work for the Park Service and become a tour guide instead.

So you have been under stress.

Nah – got it covered.

You have just explained that you don’t have control of what is happening to you at work and home. That is stress?


But I am able to influence events which made my wife happy and so I am happy.

For some reason, I am having a hard time following you.

That is because the sands of time are gushing through the skinny part of the hourglass. So, pay attention. My wife has been unable to sleep for three or four months because as soon as she would lie down she would start coughing, sometimes so violently that she would throw up. So her sleeping was done sitting a half-reclining recliner. She went to a Pulmonologist three times and got pills and inhalers and x-rays and MRIs and they could find nothing wrong.

Then the Monday night we were sitting there talking.


Yeah, just like unmarried people do.

Four years ago my wife had lap band surgery which fixes it so my wife can eat only itsy bitsy morsels of food which means less intake which means weight loss. And she lost a lot of weight. So while we were talking, I suggested that she call the Lap Band doctor – maybe the whole coughing thing had something to do with her stomach thing. She sighed and figured why not. When she called and explained the problem, the receptionist said, “Oh you have Esophaghia Whatchamacallit. You need your band expanded. Come right on in.” Well she did. When the doctor inserted the needle into her chest and into the band to withdraw fluid which opens the band, he asked how loose she wanted it. It was at that moment that my wife thought of steaks and hamburgers and chicken and pork chops, all those things that had been denied her for four years, so she said, “All the way!”

That solved the problem, and Tuesday night she was able finally able to sleep in the bed – after eating a pork chop meal.

But won’t that mean that she will gain weight?

I’m working on a plan. If she gains fifteen pounds, she needs to agree to lap banding again. I need to discuss this with her during our next discussion.

So you are happy?

Yes, when she is happy I tend to get that way.

So we are flying out Saturday which so happens to be the day the world ends. That will be cool too.

What? Oh, I think I read about that, but…

You see, if the world ends when we are in a plane, it is good. I figure God will give the order to grab people into heaven, and it makes sense that he would get the closest ones first….and we will be in an airplane and the closest.

I…uh, can’t you think in a straight line?

Gotta’ go. I’ll call you from heaven.


  1. LOL!! You are a riot! Enjoy your vacation! :) It'll be even better if you're in heaven... ;))

  2. Love it, Jerry. Since you're going to Utah, you could drop down here in Arizona. Oh, I forgot, you'll be in a plane. At least until Saturday. Good luck and good vacation!

  3. Utah is as good a place as any to be when the world ends. I'll still be here after the rapture, so come visit!

  4. Have an awesome vacation! What if the pilot ascends and you don't? That would be my fear!

    Also, I think you're a medical genius for solving your wife's problem. Want to come to my house? We have some medical enigmas around here.


  5. It's a shame that you have to work extra hard before vacation and then extra hard when you return. Almost makes the vacation pointless, doesn't it?

    Have a great vacation nevertheless.

  6. I got behind in my blog reading because I was vacationing in Hawaii and I was damned if I was going to spend my time over a computer/i-pad/i-phone while in tropical paradise.

    Now I'm back and have this compulsion to "catch up". Like who would care or even notice?? But here I am nonetheless, catching-up! If it's any consolation, I am doing so in my bathrobe.